Sunday, February 5, 2012

An Open Letter to my Mother & Madonna

Dear Mom,

You've really embarrassed me in the past.  Remember that car I had to drive in high school?  That monstrosity was absolutely horrifying.  And that time you climbed on my bus and chewed out that kid who was rude to me?  I wanted to melt into a puddle of goo and disappear.  And of course, we cannot forget that time you jumped on the table at Hard Rock Cafe in Atlanta and did the YMCA {and not just the chorus part but the whole thing}in front of at least 20 of my friends.  Though you scored us free chili cheese fries, it was totally not worth it.

And can we just talk about those three years where you were my gifted reading teacher?  Because that in and of itself was a major trial {probably for the both of us}.  No parent or child should be subjected to something like that.

Despite all of these things, you've still never embarrassed me the way that Madonna embarrassed her own children tonight.  The crowd inside that Hard Rock was a drop in the bucket compared to the millions of people who watched Loudres, Rocco, David, and Mercy's mom writhe around on stage with pom poms.  In fact, the only time you've ever touched pom poms was when you'd toss mine in the dryer to give them a little fluff before my cheer competitions.

Photo Credit
Here's a list of things you've never done to embarrass me:
  • Write a book about sex.
  • Sport scary steroid arms
  • Wear this:
Photo Credit
  •  Marry more than one man.
  • Have children with more than one man.
  • Dress like a teenager.
  • Bump and grind on Justin Timberlake.
  • Make out with Britney Spears on national television.
This list could really roll on for days.  Let me end this by saying thanks, Mom.  Thanks for:
  • Dressing your age {and crossing your sweater over your shoulders}.
  • Teaching me about manners.
  • Never wearing cone-shaped undergarments.
  • Loving my Dad and never, ever mentioning the d-word.
  • Having nice, soft, perfectly normal arms that are great for hugs.
  • Only kissing me, Grayson, Dad, and sometimes Josh.
  • Dancing on tables in restaurants.
  • Getting all Mama Bear on rude people.
  • and making me drive that heinous car.  
Mom, you're the best!   Feel free to dance on any table that you wish.


P.S.  If you ever perform at the Super Bowl, I know you'll never lip synch.

P.S.S.  Madonna, you do realize that you're not Liz Taylor circa 1963, right?  Nobody rocks Cleo like Liz.

**My comments on divorce are my views on celebrity divorce.  Please don't take offense.


  1. Why would you expect someone who isn't a Christian to act like one?


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