Sunday, August 28, 2011

Maintaining Your Man Card at Disney World

Guest blogger Josh here. I want to write today about a serious issue facing many middle-class American men these days: their Man Cards. Men are losing their Man Cards at an alarming rate. This is way more serious than saving the whales or whatever. I myself feared losing my Man Card while traveling to Disney World. Fortunately, I've come up with a few ways to placate the Man Council and maintain that precious tie to our neanderthal ancestors. Troglodytes, unite!

Let's just be honest...a trip to Disney World gives the Man Council nearly every reason in the world to revoke your Man Card. Here are some examples:

As a child you travel with your parents to Orlando. They tell you where to go, what to do, what to ride, and what to eat. Man Card pulled.

As a young adult you travel to Orlando with a girlfriend and subsequently spend the day meeting various princesses in bad wigs and caked-on make-up. Jasmine may look like the stuff on television, but believe me she's not that great in person. Man Card pulled.

As a married man you travel to Orlando with your wife...and it's basically just like traveling to Orlando with your girlfriend. Only you've made all these vows. And you have to do what they say. Smile for the camera! Man Card pulled.*

As a father traveling to Orlando with young children (which I'm not), it's stroller pushing, diaper changing, and tantrum managing. Man Card DESTROYED.

After experiencing nearly all of these scenarios, I have come up with a few simple solutions to maintain your Man Card at the Walt Disney World Resort:
  • Dress attire: untucked t-shirts are an absolute must. It's grungy, makes you feel like Kurt Cobain, and keeps you cooler. During the summer months, khaki shorts are recommended although gym shorts with pockets are totally accepted. And believe me, you'll need pockets, mainly because your wife or girlfriend will need a place to keep her stuff. Never mind that she spent $200 on a black purse that she NEVER uses. Tennis shoes, Vibram Five Fingers, Crocs, etc. are also an absolute must. Sandals are probably a bad idea. NO fanny packs, socks and sandals combos, overdressing (unless you're going to Victoria and Albert's), and if you have to carry a kid, make sure it's in one of those cool little backpack things.
  • Guy's Only Rides: After riding some of your favorite rides multiple times, suggest that you and the other men in the group ride the attraction again and attempt to do something crazy. For instance, once my brother-in-law, his best friend and I totally turned Splash Mountain into Flash Mountain. This will give you bonding time with other males.
  • Relaxation: Disney World can be stressful for some men. There's a lot of pixies and fairy dust and sometimes a guy just needs to get away from it all while...getting away from it all. Some might enjoy a dip in the resort pool. Others could enjoy a round of golf at one of Disney's Arnold Palmer managed golf courses (complete with hidden Mickeys). Personally, I find a good nap in the Hall of Presidents, American Adventure, or on the Gran Fiesta Tour featuring the Three Caballeros very relaxing.
  • Roller Coasters: Enough said.
  • ESPN Wide World of Sports Complex/Richard Petty Experience: While I've never personally visited either of these sites at WDW, I know if I'm in danger of losing my Man Card, I can pop in for a little grunting and chest beating.
  • Turkey Legs: Nothing makes you feel manlier than traipsing around, Davy Crockett coonskin hat in place, gnawing on a turkey leg. And at Disney World, these bad boys are delicious.
Now fellas, hold onto those Man Cards with a death grip. Once they are pulled, it's hard to get them back. If you find yourself in danger or losing your Man Card at Disney World, just follow the steps above and your club membership should be safe. I leave you with a list of manly attractions to try:

  • Rock-n-Roller Coaster: 0 to 60 in two seconds. And Aerosmith.
  • The Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular: Duh.
  • Lights, Motors, Action: Cars, guns, fire. Enough said.
  • Space Mountain: Dark and fast. If you're tall, it's even riskier.
  • Expedition Everest: This roller coaster goes backwards. I know, right?
  • Test Track: Fast cars.
  • Mission: Space: You get free barf bags.

1 comment:

  1. So where did you get that shirt?!


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